Obsessive Cumpulsive Perfection (Or Something Like That)

The more I looked, the more I felt myself expanding. Can you feel yourself expanding? I couldn’t remember. I only remember being very fat. My first childhood memories were fat child memories. My teenage memories are fat girl nightmares. I am not fat, but I dream about being fat. I look in the mirror and see my belly hanging over my pants. My fingers look like sausage links. My face like that fast food worker I saw, who looked like she had just had a baby like, minutes before she walked through the door. I walk down the street and my butt cheeks look like a rippling bean bag going up and down. I feel like everyone is looking at me – shaking their heads like, “Well, I guess she’s supposed to be fat after all.” I get home and I try squeezing into my clothes.  Anything.  Even the size eight jeans that are too big on me, but I can’t get them past my leg. I’m on the bed, writhing trying to get them on. And then I wake up and immediately grab my stomach....

I was planning to write about stress yesterday, but things didn't go as planned and that turned out to be, yes, stressful.  I also spent some extended, unplanned time on the phone with a "customer service" rep regarding my cracked Blackberry screen and the time just flew by. 

The opener is from my will-be-completed-when-I-can-get-back-to-it novel Admiring Camille.  The protagonist is Dawn, a personal trainer who grew up overweight, anxiety-ridden and a little obsessive.  Like many writers, I have incorporated some aspects of my own life into the character.  I did not grow up overweight, but I was certainly anxiety-ridden (for a variety of reasons like a lot of teenage girls) and I was definitely a bit of the perfectionist - and it has followed me into adulthood.  And, of course, the tendencies have shown up in my writing as well as my eating and workout habits for better or worse.  Mostly worse.  One screw up like a missed workout or forgetting not to eat some verboten food that doesn't fit the diet eating plan I am on always has the potential to make me want to just chuck it all in.  I have an all or nothing personality and it hasn't always worked out for me.  After all, you would think if you were driven so hard to perfection that you would get it right sometimes. Ha!

Are you a bit of the perfectionist? Take the Perfectionism Test.  [Psychology Today]

My score? 69 out of 100. Heh...

Comments

[Madame Meow]

That was a really good excerpt!! I can't wait to read more, seriously.

[SunnyJ]

I can relate the perfectionist mentality. It has taken me a quite some time to learn to cut myself some slack. I'm looking forward to your post on stress when you can get to it.

And the excerpt was great! Thank you for sharing it.

[Nichelle]

@Madame Meow - Thanks a lot. I plan to get back to it as soon as I can.

@SunnyJ - It is hard to learn to cut yourself some slack at times. And thanks for the compliment on the excerpt.